Wednesday, February 1, 2012

KONTRADICTION

If I say, that I am not very expressive, then I am actually expressive. Isn't it? When I say, I do not care, then I at least care not to care. When I say, I have forgotten, I haven't actually. 

This blog is not my mirror image. It is not my letting out space. It is not my solace. It is not the only place where I can express myself freely without the fear of anything there is to fear. It never was. I am same here. I am same every where else. There is no double life, which I have to maintain. There are few things, about which I want to write. But I won't. There are a few things which I want to talk about, but I can't. Not because, I am afraid of you or I am afraid of myself. And if I do talk about something, it will not be because, I marvel at the beauty of this space, where, very few of you know me personally and I can get away by saying anything I want to. I am not feeling a load and I need to lighten a bit. I am not going to use the screen, which connects me from you, as a shield. I am not going to hide behind it and use profane words about things which deserve profane words. (If I have to be rude with you, I will let you know personally)

Despite so many things going in my mind, mostly I have nothing to talk about. I try to get away with small talks when I do have to talk. I mostly speak, when I am spoken to. I mostly give opinions when I am asked to. And it doesn't bother me much. Its not that, I have this urge to speak and do not have people around me or do not have friends I can trust.I have friends whom I trust with my life. I trust people easily, because, I know that there are more good people in the world than bad ones. But, still, there are many things which I don't talk about, simply because I do not know what good will come out of it. And it is the same with my writing. I calculate an idea. I debate it with myself. I am 'the for' and I am 'the against'. Then I know how I feel about the idea. And I keep it to myself. I am working on a story. I have no intention to be a published author.

Last 10 months have been very good to me. Apart from the fact, that I haven't seen my family for over a year now. I have been to places, seen sights, done things, heard stories, met people. I have been breathless (literally and figuratively) numerous times. I know the value of each breath. I know what being in the moment means. I have so many stories to tell. And I have so much to write. But, I don't feel that kick to tell it all soon. They are just there. They are not waiting to be told. They know that time has not come for them to unfold. When the time comes, each of my stories will find a place, a time and a listener.

A drunk is a man who is trying to act sober. The book which I am reading right now says so. It also says, ‘A real man is someone who is trying desperately not to cry.' I have cried three times in last one month or so. All for different reasons. 

The first time, I surprised myself, when I look at it now. I was lucky, I was alone when it happened. No one knows about this. Not anymore though. Now you know it too. I won't talk of the situation. When a man cries, the best thing one can do is not say anything. Just let him be.

The second time, it happened while watching a film. Dolphin Tale. Uplifting movies have this affect on me. That is why I have no problem in watching movies alone. It is sometimes therapeutic.  Only a couple of people know about this. Now you do too.

The Third time. The happiest tears. I became an uncle (Mamu!!) 3 days back. When I saw the photos of 1 day old baby, well…

34 comments:

  1. Awww :) This is a beautiful post :)
    Waiting to be a listener to more of your stories :D

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    1. Thank You BluBluBling..(nice name! :D)

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  2. Its very rare of a man to talk abt crying. U come across as a really sensitive guy.

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  3. well there are times when we men do cry...it takes guts to get over the ego and admit... kudos...

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    1. Admittance, doesn't come naturally. :)
      There are many reasons, but, yeah...let them be. :)
      Thank you Sub.

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  4. WoW! First of all, my congratulations on you becoming an Uncle! I remember the first time I became an 'Auntie' I was over the moon!

    Hmm, didn't you just tell me (a few days back) that you are taking some time off from blogging? :P Sounds kind of familiar too ;)

    I have been awaiting for the writing about tears and I'm happy you discussed this in your wonderful writing here :-) It's always been more acceptable for a woman to cry which is a shame. Who started that track of thinking? For some reason, I mainly cry when watching movies, by myself. I hold the tears back if there is someone else present in the room, during the movie. Why should I hold back? Am I starting to sound like the voice in your post? :D

    You have touched on so many topics that I have thought about and can relate to. I have a lot to say (hence the book commentaries :P) BUT I also have much that is left unsaid on my blog. I feel this frustration of this building sometimes but I won't do it . . . maybe it's not worth the repercussions and for the most part I am confined to a certain 'theme' on my blog, so it would look out of place. I'm just babbling on here and you should tell me to condense my thoughts like I'm trying to do in poetry :D

    Congrats again, Unkle 'Kontradictive' Kunal! :D

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    1. It is an awesome feeling for sure. I am still over the moon. :)

      Holding back. I think that is natural to us. Natural for everyone. May be because, we have been led to believe that tears and crying is a sign of weakness and if you let others know that you are weak, people can take advantage of. whether its a sign of bravery or emotionally strong to not cry in front of others, I don't know. But, I have to accept that there will be things which will move you and not others and there will be things which will move others but not you. Every one has their own feeling spots. And it is no shame to know them and feel them. Its a form of expression. Like any other.

      I do not want to condense your thoughts. And the reason that I mostly, do not like to confine myself to a certain theme here, is because I like diversity and surprise and uncertainty. Randomness is my forte. :-)

      Thank You again Princesa Fiona. :)

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  5. Chanda maama so gaye, suraj chachu jaage, eh, maamu? ;-)

    Congrats to your sis 'n her hubby for the wonderful arrival in their lives, and to all of you as well.

    Relax. Breathe deep. Shake a leg. Que sera, sera. :)

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    1. Yeah..Phatichar..I am a mamu now. :P

      Thank you for your wishes and a deep breath has been well and truly taken. :)

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  6. It happens, but not everyone is articulate enough to express their feelings..I'm sure writing this also had a therapeutic effect on you :)

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    1. It definitely was therapeutic.
      And I don't know about being articulate enough. I just said..what I meant. :)

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  7. I think I"ll just sigh and say you express yourself beautifully instead of trying to come up with something remotely intelligent.

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  8. congrats and I know the feeling of being a Mama.. and also congrats to the proud parents ...

    Expressing sometimes is a hard job and sometimes words dont do justice to what we are trying to express ..


    a Man crying well all of us cry let me tell you and its not a good or bad thing , it is what makes us human .. after all a man is human tooo ..

    Bikram's

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    1. Thank you Bikramjit.

      Its the society which perceives a man crying a sign of weakness. Expressing yourself is as important as knowing when to express and when not. And I hope I know this. :)

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  9. Amazing! Beautifully transcribed feelings and thoughts. There is a lot to learn from these contradictions of life.

    I'll not feel even a tad bit shy in accepting the fact that this post has had a therapeutic effect on thoughts. :)

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    1. Thank You Rachit.

      No one has to be shy in accepting the things they like and believe in. :)

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  10. First a big big congratulations to you and your family. Well I think men cry. There is nothing wrong with it and as you quoted the line from the book...I would say...'A real human is someone who is trying desperately not to cry.'

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    1. Thank You Saru. :)

      Yes, I have seen men cry whom I never expected to. So, the situations which can lead to tears are different for everyone. We all feel. What makes us feel is different for everyone.

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  11. well i think your history of crying is not new...remem that cricket match at nanighar

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    1. well...that was a long time ago. Many things have changed after that. :P

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  12. its so cute you know. A man not feeling guilty about telling that he does cry sometimes...
    and u are a proud MAMU now!!!
    congrats!!!

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    1. You find it cute? :P
      And there is no reason for me to feel about it. :)

      Thank you! :D

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  13. to be true its not really 'contradictory'!
    there are many things which i could relate to in this post of urs and even i love watching movies alone (only at times) :)
    also, i dont find any 'cuteness' or 'awkwardness' seeing men cry. coz I feel they too possess the same set of tear glands that women do!
    newys..straight from d heart post. should i say i enjoyed reading it?


    sarah

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    1. Thank You Sarah.

      Good that there is no cuteness or awkwardness here. :)
      We get moved by a few things. Same as a girl gets moved by other things. Things differ. Feeling does not.

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  14. I gave you an award on my blog :D

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    1. Thank you very much BluBluBling. :)

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  15. i liked reading this piece. felt as though you were right in front of me telling all this, not to me but somehow i was listening intently

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    1. This is a unique comment. :D
      It just means that this post had a personal touch. :)

      Thank you Sujatha.

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  16. Firstly congratulations for becoming a Mamu :D

    Kontradiction! This is how we are. The post is more than beautiful.

    Your stories will definitely find a place, time and not one but many listeners :)

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    1. Thank You Beyond Horizon. :)

      Every thing will happen, when they are meant to be. And when I will know, things were not meant to be, I will make them happen. :P

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  17. I could just go on reading whatever you wrote.. The title totally went with the post. It's okay to cry :) Sometimes it helps. I wish I could cry. But that's something I can rarely do. Most of the times, it all just comes out in the form of anger.
    Haven't seen dolphin tale. I'll surely check it out now :) Congratulations on becoming an Uncle.
    Being away from home for long is difficult, isn't it?
    I'm waiting for you to spill your stories. I can go on reading what you write :)
    I love your writing. Take Care :)

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    1. Thank you Philo. Do check out Dolphin Tale, if you like animals. And don't wish that you could cry. When something would touch you deeply, may be you will cry. For know, I just pray that any tears you get are only the happy ones. :)

      Take care and thank you again. :)

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