Friday, December 9, 2011

Standing on the platform earlier would not make the train come early

I have not written for more than a week. I need the drug. Badly. I have nothing saved in my drafts. I prefer it that way. Sometimes, I prefer to make a fresh dinner, and not warming the food from yesterday. The taste may not be the best. But at least its fresh. Hot. Fuming. No, fuming won't be a correct word. But, I will call it fuming. 

The party is big. The room is small. There are no lonely corners, where you can just have a glass in the hand and pretend to smile. All the corners are taken. I know a few faces here. But, they are all busy in their own corners. But, I like it that way. I prefer to not to have to say good bye, while leaving. Sometimes. I have learnt to slip silently. 

It was not easy at first. I thought, it would be a courtesy to say good bye before leaving. But, no one was listening anyway amid the noise. So, I let the curtain fell. I opened the back door and left. For a change, I don't have to care about opening the door silently. Noise has its advantages. You can pretend not to listen, when, actually you are. I leave the noise behind. While hoping, that someone from behind will notice me leaving and may ask me to stay. Yes. At least ask. Whether I will stay or not, is a choice left to me. Yes. CHOICE. That is important. Sometimes, I choose not to choose. I get my own fun in it. FUN. Yes, I seem to have a vague idea about that. People used to say, it is important too. FUN and PARTY were cousins, I was told. I was in a party. But, I couldn't meet fun there. I wonder, if Fun was present at other parties today. Now, It’s Ok. I have slipped silently from another party. I can not hear you, but I can see you from here. I can read your lips. And I can see you smile. Though the cheek which has the dimple is on the other side. But, I can imagine it. Even from outside the door.

The air outside loves me. It keeps thrashing against my face. It blows at the correct speed. It knows, I wouldn’t be able to breathe, if it blows harder. It understands. Yes, UNDERSTANDING. I tried that once too. But, then I understood that no one cared anyway. The chill in the air reiterates the lesson. 

Standing on the platform earlier would not make the train come early. I leaving the party would not make you leave the party early. The smoke coming from the butt, which I just smashed under my shoes also tells me the same. (So, you suck every bit of pleasure from me. Even then you are not satisfied. You crush me under your feet and leave me on the side of the road. The butt says this too. I pretend not to listen)

It’s ok. You keep looking for the fun in the party. I will keep looking for it outside. And when we will meet at the cross roads, we will ask each other, if we had fun. But, I know the answer already. Neither of us will be sure. Which is good. There is no fun in being sure of anything. Confusion is mysterious. And a Pleasure. But, we would both know, that fun was following us. We just never bothered to look behind. To look at each other. But, we wouldn’t say this. Not to each other. We will pretend that we are having fun. And it will be fine.

32 comments:

  1. We will 'pretend' Hell yes.
    Weirdness. I know that feeling. A little too well maybe. And smiling for photographs too, pretending to be close and comfortable and all that.
    Makes sense to the world maybe. Ahm.

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  2. Loved the line 'UNDERSTANDING. I tried that once too. But, then I understood that no one cared anyway.'
    Beautiful description of loneliness in this post..

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  3. Kya Kunal, ekdam dil se :)

    I can not be myself in a party, it is too crowded for my taste...there is a silent competition of who is having more fun too...while yeah, neither they nor I have more fun :)

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  4. lovely read this one was
    i think the personification of Fun & party worked really well and you caught between the two

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  5. Hey Kunal,
    another wonderful post by you :)

    team work - loneliness - ummmmmm

    love x

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  6. It would not come earlier..
    While reading this I thinking about that loneliness feels good.. I feel good to not be social:-)

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  7. Fun, a dried up word for me these days...I don't know where to look for it; in a party or inside. I think it follows us, we just need to look back and tell it to accompany us...

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  8. I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EXACTLY THIS POST IS ABOUT....IS IT ABOUT FUN?,PARTY OF LONELINESS???? I GUESS IT IS ABOUT THE CONSTANT STRUGGLE ABOUT BEING ONE THING AND BEING FORCED INTO SOMETHING ELSE. IF THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT ALL THE CONFUSION AND HAVE FUN IN LIFE....(WONDERS AM I BLABBERING???? DOES ANYTHING MAKE SENSE??????)

    IT IS A WONDERFUL POST :D :D

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  9. Its all a facade.....people walking around wearing masks of genuineness....THEY JUST DONT CARE and pretending is all that they knw.
    But we too pretent...pretend of being interested and pretending that we are happy.

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  10. I just wanna say that i love this kind of writing style..you noe using the word fun,pleasure,confusion

    the last paragraph was awesome

    I had fun reading it ;)

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  11. yes maybe there is no fun in being sure of anything :)

    I love the title to this post.
    Says a lot in itself.

    btw , have fun :)

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  12. I could feel the state of mind of yours, confused yet conclusive...
    wonderful write up, and its of different kind... Liked it!!

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  13. At first glance of this title and still stuck in the mindset of your previous post, I was completely surprised and intrigued at the difference between the two :)

    This writing is very deep and reflective, Kunal. After my first read and seeing the comment of 'simply me', I must confess I was having similar thoughts :)) On the second read, I decided to 'take my foot off of the accelerator' :D and travel at minimum speed so I could absorb all of what I believe you are trying to convey here.

    By the end of the second read, my reaction was one of brilliance! The 'conversation' with the cigarette butt was a fabulous presentation of an allegory!

    One person's definition of FUN will not necessarily be the same as another's. A party can be and should be fun but it's rarely a choice of venue that I would seek for the purpose of fun. People often tell me that my personality makes me the 'life of the party' and the paradox is that parties just aren't my 'cup of tea' :D

    A wonderful read and writing ... "confusion is mysterious" ~ Definitely ;)

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  14. Pretense, don't we have to? For the sake of being socially bearable? Can we be content shunning everyone pretentious and living by our own rules?

    It's a need, I suppose.

    I loved the title.

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  15. i love this. this is my first time stepping on your blog and i fell in love with it. thanks for sharing. keep writing. take the drug, do take it :)

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  16. "Confusion is mysterious. And a Pleasure"....Bingo! :D
    How that line rhymes with me :D..AND I told you na..loneliness has it's own appeal!

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  17. Hey man, nice work dude :)

    Loved the startin line man.. "Standing on the platform earlier would not make the train come early
    "... LOL.. :)

    quite introspective Kunal, the way u touched about the loneliness angle..

    loved this one..:)

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  18. well you have not met me , I am very blunt in such matters .. as you would have found from the articles. I say as I see things ..

    been in the trouble because of that too but what the heck...

    moreover the more you UNDERSTAND.. the more people start or TRY to make you UNDERSTAND .. so better speak out first time everyone knows where they stand ...

    Bikram's

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  19. I dont enjoy big parties the way i used to before. I had much rather prefer to be with a close group of friends who I am more comfortable with. Confusion is mysterious for sure...and pretense, well I m not too good at it! :P

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  20. Loved the title and the post. there is a kind of loneliness mixed with character mixed with some kind of life philosophy here which I like. What distinguishes human beings from animals is hypocrisy. :)

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  21. Crystal:

    Pretending is fine. It is everywhere.
    But, at least know that you are pretending. Some do it and not even know it. It becomes a part of their skin. Its all fine. That is the world we live in :D

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  22. Rahul:

    Thanks man... :D

    Chintan:

    :D

    I don't know, if I love parties or not. Sometimes, I enjoy it. Sometimes, not. It all depends..I guess.. :)

    yeah..dil se.. :P

    Sujatha:

    Caught between the two.. :D
    As usual, I say! :P

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  23. Shama:

    Thank You! :)

    Spiderdama:

    Sometimes, we want nothing but loneliness. That is the best company one can have..if one wishes :)

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  24. Saru:

    I guess..we will never know..what fun actually use..or where it is...till then..we will just keep pretending.. :P

    Good Luck to you :)

    Red Handed:

    Aah..well...facade, have a mask and pretend...thats all..there is to it. :P

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  25. Simple Me:

    :)

    Even, I have no idea, what this post is about. :D
    I just started writing..and wrote what came to mind. So don't mind, you are not alone. :)

    Thank you. :)

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  26. TOSM:

    You had fun reading it. wow..

    :D

    Sugercube:

    yeah...having fun for sure. :)
    Thank you.

    Soma:

    Thank You. :)

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  27. Princess Fiona:

    :D

    Don't worry. You are not alone.
    This post was meant to be that way. :)

    But, you still call it Brilliance. Brilliant :D

    yes, the definition of fun is different for different people. :)

    I just wanted to write, without thinking so much and without giving my mind time to think and form a perfect sentence...so..I just wrote...what ever came to my mind...yes..that conversation with a cigarette butt...haha...quite innovative for a person..who doesn't smoke :D

    Thank you for your warm feedback. As always :)

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  28. Peevee:

    The title.. :D
    It comes from a real incident :)

    Thank you..

    Inspector Sahab:

    yeah..Drug. I am addicted to it. :)
    Thank you. :)

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  29. A Grain of Sand:

    :D

    Loneliness is the best company one can have. Never talks, but speaks a lot. :)

    Bingo! :D

    Bikramjit:

    Yeah..we have to be blunt some time or the other. It is better to shed some load, before it breaks your back :)

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  30. RAJ:

    Thanks dude. :D

    And the title..yes..as I said before..comes from a real incident...

    Glad that you liked it! :)

    Ria:

    Its same for me.. I mean almost. But sometimes, I like to get lost in the crowd. When no one can see me. :D

    Sunitha:

    'What distinguishes human beings from animals is hypocrisy. :)'

    What a perfecto comment :D

    Thank you... :D

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  31. To All:

    I know this was an abstract post. It was part experimentation and partly due to the state of mind..I was in..that it came this way..

    Thank you for your honest feedbacks...

    I can see, that few could not get the point of the post. I say, nothing to worry. The post, did not mean to make a point. You can interpret it the way you wish, the way you want. And every interpretation would be correct.

    To, abstractness, in this post and in our lives, I say Cheers. :)

    Thank You all.

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  32. SO glad to hear that the cigarettes are not a part of your real life :D With that knowledge, you get a "WoW!" for writing SO good. I was convinced that you did :P

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