Thursday, September 15, 2011

Unexplained Silence

 In a Silence Contemplative mood on a Barcelona Beach. Or may be I am watching something else.

 I have not been this silent for a long time now. I have rarely spoken more than a few sentences this whole week. Not that I am  too much of a  talker, but something in me is finding every thing uninteresting. It is bewildering in the sense that nothing is actually wrong with my life. Except the usuals, may be. Which are always there. To make us know, that we are not a robot. Work is ok. The usual boring stuffs. Not much to do. Gives me enough time to read and comment on the blogs I am following. Life is OK too. I guess. 

I am not of the complaining type. So even if there was something wrong, I would not have been able to vent it out here. You can say, that I am being a little dishonest with myself and my blog for not revealing everything. May be yes. But I have always been like this. There is enough pain in the world already. And I always hope to make my readers at least more happy than they were before stumbling on my blog. I hope I have been successful. But, today, it is not going to be that way. Even if I try to write something funny, it will not come naturally. And a lame attempt is something, which I never do. I am not depressed. I enjoyed the last movie I saw. I am hooked to the new songs from Mausam and Mere Brother Ki Dulhan. Our TT and Volleyball sessions in the evening still continue. But the events around me, the chatters, the banters , I just do not find that urge to take part. Hence the silence.  But, not knowing what has switched me off is not helping at all.

May be, I have been away for my family and friends for a long time now. And I am going to be away for some more time. I have never felt home sickness before, so, I can not say what I am feeling now is home sickness. One of the highlights amid the silence of last few days was talking to my brother today. I am not coming online too much on Gtalk and I guess, I have grown out of facebook already. I got online for few minutes in the morning just after waking up and was trying to get ready for office when he pinged me. He is away in Finland and his job is such which does not allow for regular and uninterrupted phone calls. So, it was nice to talk to him for about half an hour. During our talk, he asked a question, which had me believe, that he is no more a kid brother, but has grown into a mature person. Perhaps, he had matured long before, but I only realized now.

Its not that I have been working for very long without  a break and I am in need for a vacation. I have been going to see places quite regularly last few weekends. And only last Saturday, I had great fun on our short day trip to the mountains. And while returning back to Zurich, I had one of most chirpy days. To the point, that my friends thought that something has gone wrong with me and the little wine I had, had gone to my head. I was virtually unstoppable and was rarely silent in the whole return journey. But, what exactly happened after that, I can not say for sure. Or may be, my sub conscious knows and my conscious self is not ready to accept. Not yet.

I am sorry, if you are coming here for the first time and find yourself not amused by this confessional post. I am not like this, and this is perhaps my most negative post. I think, in my more than 100 odd posts, this is a kind of first. And I promise, it will be my last. I can not be sad for very long. I will get tired of it. Eventually. I ensure my readers that they walk with a smile after coming here. I am mostly a happy person and it kills me to realize that I am choosing to be sad and silent when I have no reason to be so.  If there is any scene from a movie, which can say about my state of mind, it is this Fuck All video from the film 25th Hour - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bHhUWPX1_0&feature=related

May be, I am just over reacting, because my two favorite jeans, a blue and another black, expired within a period of one week. One was barely 3 year old while the other was only a little older at 5 years. For people, I do not know, I would like to say that it soothes me that there are a few faces who do not know me and hence would not judge me too much on the basis of this post and it comforts me to know that even if I do not know you, you are still listening. May be. And for those, who know me, nahi, mujhe pyaar nahi hua hai!
 

27 comments:

  1. First of all, stop observing urself so much. Moods change and sometimes you dont need a reason for tht. You are currently feeling CUT off and you have no clue as to why you being this way. Why try to figure it out anyway? You would be back soon. And being Homesick, well how can u say that you have never been tht? You can never define your felings man.

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  2. Kunal, first we won't judge you from this post. :) And second, I don't see anything expect from honesty in this post. It is sounding honest as we all feel this way at one time or other. And, yes we never notice when our younger siblings outgrow us. BTW I am loving Mausam nos.
    Cheer up!!!
    Waiting for a happy post, just the way you said it:)

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  3. There are days when everything seems broken even if its all tad normal. Those days shall pass. Just live through it; it happens to each one of us. I can relate with it.

    Dont try to figure out why and how; its the way it is. Its perfectly normal. Take care :)

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  4. Hi kunal, yesh stop observing urself too much and cheer up dude.
    Haan payr nei hva app ko :D

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  5. phew.. n i had a feeling i was the only one.. lol.. i know how that feels.and trust me it goes away as soon as it comes ;).. we are well the most unpredictable of all species...:) ...and its always nice to have known this part of you as well ... :) tc

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  6. lolll...loved the last line..liked the last para.
    its just one of your phase of being despondent...dismiss the thoughts before they start taking a refuge in your for too long!

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  7. Its OK to be sad sometimes... without sadness happiness doesn't mean the same.. :D

    haven't u heard - "Silence is Golden" at times may be..

    I don't think anybody would judge you for all that you have written and personally I am glad you offered your readers a li'l peek into the Real you.. ;) !!

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  8. Totally understand what you are saying here.

    the past few weeks have been funny this side too.. but let me tell you sometimes being away from everything and everyone is GOOD tooo ... you see things people etc in a different light ...

    Dont worry this time shall pass too.. and take care and SMILE

    Bikram's

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  9. hmmm..i just wanna say that enjoy this complete silence!!!
    things will change soon..trust me :):)

    take care

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  10. That's a very poignant picture depending on what you're looking at:P

    And yes, everyone goes through a phase where we question the routine of life. Now is your turn.

    Shale it all out from the cobwebbed brain and notice small things that make life worth living, like a baby's smile, a free gift with a razor or even the buttawala's busy life... Maybe you'll feel better:)

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  11. oh cmon dude!!!! men sulk too. it's perfectly alright to be a bum and sulk or vent or crib or whatever. you blog because this is your medium of connecting with your innerself and its not fair to hide or make someone comfortable who reads your blog.

    to be frank, though you had miserable time, i loved this post! for the sheer honesty factor. do not hold back, drink and then blog if that helps.

    you know once i was drunk and i blogged about a woman from work who used to sit desi style on a western commode. she is indian and how do i know? well i was in the next cubicle in the restroom and she stepped down! for a moment i got shite scared that what if she was videotaping :| but no, she was being this ass. i posted about this on 0fiction but my friend from work pushed me to take it offline :|

    now i hope that makes you laugh and feel better? and if you feel writing personal stuff is odd you should read my Mind Nudity :P

    http://www.0fiction.com/2011/06/mind-nudity.html

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  12. It happens and it is happening to me too..I keep telling myself that I'm in control, maybe I'm not (most of the times it feels like that)..but it does make me feel better, the fact that i can do whatever i want

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  13. He he he, Kuns koi na re... Sometime solitude is necessary... and not speaking to someone does not infer something, it is just you need change... U got it... Vese I am sure u r in love ;) tu jhut bola last line mein

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  14. I think it's Love. And I think you are missing someone. :)

    And come back soon man, you have been away from here for so long.

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  15. well, its my first visit to your space...and no im not judging :D

    cheer up.dark times dont last, esprcially not when the probable reason is a pair of jeans :P

    so chin up!

    and yes, i havent gotten drunk nor fallen--not after this post, atleast..and thank my stars for that ;)

    until we meet again,
    adios amigo!

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  16. Pyaar nahin hua issi liye you are mourning the loss of your jeans:p And introspecting is good, it shakes you out of your complacency.

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  17. Hmm...i dunno what it is, but yea it did sound familiar as i go thru these phases too!! I guess its a common problem with ppl like me who think a lot :D

    And I m certainly not here to judge u. So, u need not worry abt that. Hope u snap out of this phase coz i knw it makes me very sad.

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  18. I'm pretty sure there must have been an instant mood change by just writing it all. So by this time..you must be feeling quite 'you' :P :)

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  19. Cheer up dude, no point being down for nothing

    Enjoy Spain, not everyone gets to be there

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  20. Red Handed:

    You won't reduce me to pulp as you reduced your brother to tears..will ya? :)

    Saru:

    Thank you. Mausam nos are brilliant. I just hope, the movie is as good. Can't promise a happy post next, but sure it won't be as depressing as this.

    Insignia:

    Thank you. Won't say it has passed, but I am quite better of..as it is :)

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  21. Shama:

    Done. :)

    Menachery:

    You go through it as well?
    Now I know from where do those stories of yours come from? :)

    A grain of sand:

    Yours is a unique comment. ;)
    Didn't know, that light headed comment on jeans and pyar nahi hua would garner such response from you :) Thank you!

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  22. Princess:

    "Silence is golden". Indeed. Hey..I am still sad. And I am not talking about this post ;)

    Bikram:

    Thanks man. It was a good time away..with only the listening part taking precedence. How are you doing now?

    The other side of me:

    If things don't change, then we have to change ourselves.. :)

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  23. Priyanka:

    I always find pleasures in simple activities. Sigh..there is no bhuttawala anywhere near ;)

    Chintan:

    A big thank you. Your comment was an instant stress reliever.

    Ana_Trek:

    I won't say, I was not in control of myself...May be I was in control and that is what was eating me inside a bit..Thank you for reading.

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  24. Chidi:

    main jhooth nahi bola last line mein :)

    Psycho:

    My stay has been extended :)
    I will have more time to miss someone ;)

    Pri:

    Thank you. I will do my best to get you drunk and fall..in a good way though. Until next time ;)

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  25. Purba:

    kuch to reason chahiye tha :)

    Ria:

    Thank you. I do think a lot...thats all I do.. :)

    SugerCube:

    If nothing else, it just let me feel a bit more lighter in the head. Thank you :)

    Pesto Sauce:

    Thank you. I wish you all the best. I think, you know, what for :)

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  26. well, this is definitely the first time I read your post and quite enjoyed myself :) got my chirpy phase,the oh nt so talkitive phase...writing soothes the ailing spirit. Keep writing!

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  27. Enjoyed your lucid post, actually :) I hope writing it also brought some solace to your mind. I felt it was a perfectly natural post, something all of us face time to time. Cheers!

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